December 15th – the day before my lumpectomy. My parents are staying in town until whenever.
I still went to work as normal today and was happy that my parents were already at my house when I got home. I’ll admit that I was finally starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. When Bri came downstairs that morning, there was something different in his demeanor. I asked him if anything was wrong or if he was sad. He said he wasn’t sad. He said it was just weird how we were so anxious to get to my surgery date and now it was finally here and we’d get some answers.
We settled into somewhat of a normal evening: walk the dog, cook dinner, eat, and cleanup. My mom was very chatty as usual and kept asking me if I needed to talk about anything. The problem was that I didn’t know what exactly I should be talking about. Was I scared? Yes. Was I sad? I’m still not sure about that. I think I was definitely anxious and ready to get it over with. I remember sitting on the couch while my mom told us how pretty our Christmas tree was. She was also grilling us about ornament preferences and how they wanted to buy us more ornaments, but she needed to know what kind we preferred. All of this seemed insignificant to me, and finally I just had to tell everyone to be quiet. That was it. I did not need ornaments, compliments, or pep talks. I just needed quiet! I decided that the best place for quiet was my bedroom, especially since the alarm was going off at 4:30 AM. Bri followed me and we did stay up talking (quietly) a bit and then I just passed out. I think I am finally admitting that my body has just been exhausted lately. I do not like to sit still or relax, but I’m slowly allowing myself listen to my body!